The Lies! The Betrayal! The Blog!

30^th Apr 2012

Monday // 9pm // 1 year ago

To Be a Woman Scorned or Not To Be a Woman Scorned…

Another question arose after our last post about Scorned Woman University: What exactly constitutes a “scorned woman” anyway? 

Well if anyone would know, it would be us.  And like it or not, we’re going to tell you.

Is a lovely lady a “scorned” woman if she, and this is TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL, if she, say, counters a man’s restraining order against her with her own restraining order against him, so that when she sneaks into his house at night to take pictures next to him sleeping or to go through his garbage, it will seem like he kidnapped her to get me, I mean her, there when he calls the police?  I mean, again, totally hypothetical. 

Or is she a scorned woman if, oh, I don’t know, if she continues to see a man after he tries to kill her for her family’s tobacco-less cigarette empire inheritance, and still after he cheats on her with her sister, and her maid, and her step brother, and still after he steals her dog and sells it into sexual slavery for drug money, and still after he uploads a sex tape of them onto the internet and then blackmails her for it, for drug money, and still after she has to pawn her grandmother’s Faberge egg collection to bail him out of jail for tax evasion? And then he still leaves her to join the circus and eventually cure cervical cancer? Still? 

She must be a scorned woman then, right? WRONG!

The answer, is no.  What really makes a scorned woman is if she finally chooses to complain about the scorn.  If she, say, tweets or constantly updates her Facebook status about the scorn.  If she maybe hires an airplane to fly over a particular scorner’s workplace with an embarrassing and/or hateful banner about the scorn. If she maybe takes out a full page ad in a newspaper to showcase an open letter about the scorn. Or if she, perhaps, creates and posts to a blog solely dedicated to the lament of scorn. Um. Moving on.

If she bakes dozens of cupcakes and decorates them with letters spelling out a death threat to the scorner, that is NOT considered a scorned woman.  BUT if she throws them at the scorner’s home, sends them to the scorner, or kidnaps the scorner and feeds it to him well then, YES, that is a scorned woman.  God help her.

Scorned women can live silently in their scorniness for, well, ever.  But to the outside world, to the “normal” and “adjusted” community, a woman is only a woman scorned when she’s gone vocal.  To quote a particular (black sheep) scornstress, gone “rogue.”  Nobody minds a brooding woman, but a LOUD brooding woman?  Well she must be scor-or-orned! 

Exhibit A: The picture above.

You’re worried you’re going to get pregnant?  Noted.  You think you’re crazy?  Get in line sister.  But your biggest mistake, your cardinal sin, was crying to the man about it!  That makes you actually crazy, instead of just crazy in your head. He doesn’t want to know about your, your “feelings.”  He doesn’t want to think about, eck, pregnancy! What were you thinking?

THAT makes you a scorned woman. 

And for that, you deserve to have a Lifetime movie made loosely based on your story.  Sorry.  Those are the breaks. 

Now you know!

xoxo, awomanscorned.tumblr.com

Posted by J

10^th Mar 2012

Saturday // 9pm // 1 year ago

Hell Hath No Fury: Scorned Woman Hall of Fame

The real and the unreal…the best of the best (and worst of the worst) scorned women in history. Their stories are so outrageous, they deserve to be, and have often been, immortalized in a Lifetime movie of their own…

-Joan of Arc: That innocent girl. As a child she began to have visions and was able to hear the voice of God, which she translated into war. This happens more times than not. So even though she led the French to many victories during the Hundred Years’ War, King Charles VII of France betrayed her by not coming to her aid when she was captured. Because she had been such a successful leader, and because her victories were known for being “supernatural,” she was tried for heresy and for being a witch. Yes, just because a woman has the smarts to lead a religious war, she must be a witch. Of course she was executed. Burned. At the stake. She got hers though. This scorned woman is now a Saint.

-Mary Queen of Scots: One of the legendary first victims of a tried and true topic of Lifetime Movies: The “Single White Female Scorn.” These bitches made “The Real Housewives” look like an Oprah’s Book Club meeting. When Queen Elizabeth I had Mary beheaded (after THREE tries, eww), she took the catfight to a whole new, and gruesome, level. Yeah, she was plotting your assassination, but what was it really, Liz? She had better boobs? Shinier hair? A faster metabolism? Well not anymore! Now she’s d-e-a-d and you have an empire to rule. Good luck with that.

-Joan Crawford in “Mommy Dearest”: NO MORE METAL HANGERS!!! And no more credibility for Joanie C., not after this movie came out. Crawford used to be a sex symbol (even with those eyebrows). She was hot hot hawt! And then suddenly, after this shocking little gem, she became the kind of crazy smudged-lipsticked ranter you’d gladly duck into a Scientology bookstore to keep from running into on the street. Yes, she chose to beat her own children with household items, but she did it in cold cream faced, three inch maribou-heeled style. And for that, she deserves to be one of the golden screen goddesses in the scorned woman hall of fame.

-Kathy Bates in Misery: Us women love our romances. So what’s a girl to do upon learning that her favorite heroine, Misery, is about to be killed off? Since sisters stick together, Annie Wilkes, played by Kathy Bates, has no option but to make sure that heroine stays alive — by sweetly persuading Paul Sheldon, the author, to rewrite the novel. When her tactics fail, she has no choice but to hobble the bastard. Unfortunately, poor sweet Annie is herself killed, tricked by the consequence of her devotion. One thing that can be said about Annie: she really takes her number one fan status seriously.

-Amy Fisher-The Long Island Lolita: Oh, Amy Fisher, only 17 years old and already you knew the bitter taste of scorned womanhood. Scorned by 35 year old married mechanic Joey Buttafuoco, Amy Fisher took her vengeance on his wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, shooting her in the temple, permanently paralyzing the left side of her face. This scorned woman’s weapon of choice? A Titan .25-caliber semiautomatic pistol, and a blinding desire to have Joey ALL TO HERSELF.

-Lorena Bobbitt: Striking fear in the hearts of men to this day, Lorena’s scornful retaliation will live on in “I think I just threw up in my mouth” infamy. There’s no doubt that then-husband and now-porn star John was a Grade-A, drunken creepazoid…But Lorena, when that Psychic Friends hotline you no doubt called about it told you to “Eliminate the problems in your life,” I don’t think they were talking about his penis. Either way, you provided a poor unsuspecting farmer and the rest of the world with a mental image we’ll never forget. If only John had watched a little Lifetime…he would’ve known better. Because we know all too well: a scorned woman’s gotta do what a scorned woman’s gotta do.

Keep checking in.  As long as there are sharp objects and estrogen, there will always be more scorned woman hall of famers…

Posted by J and T

28^th Feb 2012

Tuesday // 9pm // 1 year ago

Be Warned!

DISCLAIMER:

This blog is solely intended for the use of people who have been the victim of, perpetrator of, or the lover of the misery of someone who has experienced one or more of the following.  If you do not fit into any of said categories, PLEASE. Turn back now.  There will be no going back. 

• have multiple personalities, secret identities, warped realities, or all of the above
• have had an eating disorder or have forced one on someone close to you
• have fallen in love with your kidnapper
• have had an affair with your pastor, doctor, pool boy, brother-in-law, estranged relative who you didn’t know was your relative, your college professor, your babysitter, your husband’s killer, or all of the above
• have solved a crime using psychic abilities
• have fallen in love with the detective who you helped to solve a crime using psychic abilities
• didn’t know you were pregnant (until it was too late)
• didn’t know who the father was (see above)
• have murdered someone out of revenge, jealousy, or boredom (i.e. cheer-leading captains, demanding bosses, hired help, significant others, etc.)
• were murdered by an oddly attractive serial killer
• were an oddly attractive serial killer
• fell in love with an oddly attractive serial killer
• were a member of a pagan sorority, or any other sorority with an evil affiliation
• were a member of a sorority
• have been addicted to plastic surgery, prescription pills, exercising, gambling, setting things on fire, extensive and inexplicable rage, sex, or all of the above
• have been abducted by aliens
• fell in love with the aliens who abducted you
• have competed for a man with your sister, daughter, granddaughter, best friend, or all of the above
• have had the misfortune of discovering your newborn baby is the Antichrist (and then fell in love with the priest hired to exorcise him)
• were once a high class call girl with a heart of gold
• were once any kind of call girl, with or without a heart of gold
• fell in love with a stranger only to discover he was the brother of the man who murdered your husband for his life insurance settlement except you can’t leave him because he has discovered your deep dark secret about really being a man with ties to the mafia all while you’re running from Colombian gem smugglers on a runaway cruise ship in the Caribbean.

Once again, if any of these apply or appeal to you, this may be just the blog you need. We can and may possibly help.

Otherwise, get out while you still can.  This is a dirty, torrid web of deceit, passion, betrayal, and ridiculousness you are inching dangerously close to falling into. 

The web of the scorned women of Lifetime movies.

13^th Apr 2010

Tuesday // 4pm // 3 years ago

Scorned Woman University: Healing Hearts, Taking Names, and Handing out Fake Diplomas

When I found out there is actually a “school” called Scorned Woman University, I thought two things:

1. Whoa, whoa, whoa.  WE are not the ONLY scorned women in the world?!?!?

and

2. If there’s a school for it, I can only assume it is TEACHING women to be scorned.  Because it would be ludicrous if it was teaching them not to be. I don’t think there’s anything about a scorned woman that needs fixing.  It is a lifestyle choice.

Well, to my shock and dismay, it turns out Scorned Woman University was erected, no pun intended, to cure a woman of scorn.  To cleanse the scorn out of her.  To find the origin of the scorn and to excorcise it out!

There is just one problem here.  The Dean of Scorned Women University is this guy:

Yes, that is his real picture.  (Believe it or not, sometimes there are real things in this blog).  He is a MAN! And not just any man; a bona-fied, self-confessed former scorner!  You can’t teach a woman not to be scorned if you are the REASON she is scorned!  That’s like slipping someone a roofie and then, while they’re getting their stomach pumped, saying: “Well you really should’ve known better than to look away from your drink to check my text to you.”

And why fix something if it’s not broken?  Taking away a woman’s scorn is like taking away her life force.  Without it, she’ll wither away into a shell of a woman with nothing to complain about at lunch with her friends.  She won’t have anything to cleverly construct a cryptic tweet about.  She won’t have any reason to criticize the outcomes of romantic comedies or to eat an entire package of Oreos while hiding in her closet.

That is what we live for.  It’s like asking the elderly not to play bingo.  What’s the point to life anymore?  It’s just cruel. 

Hey Dean, why don’t you just take away our right to vote again?  Same thing!  This is yet ANOTHER thing we have in common with the movie Animal House.  Dean’s always keeping you down.  Perhaps we should toilet paper his house, but use maxi pads.  That’ll show him. 

And as far as those extreme cases, the ones we like to focus this blog on, save yourself now. Because once a woman has made the commitment to go this far into the unreachable reaches of scornedom, she isn’t going to want any help. There just isn’t enough Crazy Glue or Dove Chocolate in the world to fix that train wreck.  Or to put a dent in that scorn.  That is beyond any man’s control. So don’t waste your time.  Or hers.  (I mean, she could be spending it making voodoo dolls or cleaning her rifles).

So to you, Dr. Whatever your name is, man who has claimed the title of Dean of Scorned Woman University, I have to say: cut your losses and step off. 

And watch your back. This is our territory.

Your comrades, 

The Ladies of awomanscorned.tumblr.com

Posted by J