10th Mar 2012
Saturday // 9pm // 1 year ago
Hell Hath No Fury: Scorned Woman Hall of Fame
The real and the unreal…the best of the best (and worst of the worst) scorned women in history. Their stories are so outrageous, they deserve to be, and have often been, immortalized in a Lifetime movie of their own…
-Joan of Arc: That innocent girl. As a child she began to have visions and was able to hear the voice of God, which she translated into war. This happens more times than not. So even though she led the French to many victories during the Hundred Years’ War, King Charles VII of France betrayed her by not coming to her aid when she was captured. Because she had been such a successful leader, and because her victories were known for being “supernatural,” she was tried for heresy and for being a witch. Yes, just because a woman has the smarts to lead a religious war, she must be a witch. Of course she was executed. Burned. At the stake. She got hers though. This scorned woman is now a Saint.
-Mary Queen of Scots: One of the legendary first victims of a tried and true topic of Lifetime Movies: The “Single White Female Scorn.” These bitches made “The Real Housewives” look like an Oprah’s Book Club meeting. When Queen Elizabeth I had Mary beheaded (after THREE tries, eww), she took the catfight to a whole new, and gruesome, level. Yeah, she was plotting your assassination, but what was it really, Liz? She had better boobs? Shinier hair? A faster metabolism? Well not anymore! Now she’s d-e-a-d and you have an empire to rule. Good luck with that.
-Joan Crawford in “Mommy Dearest”: NO MORE METAL HANGERS!!! And no more credibility for Joanie C., not after this movie came out. Crawford used to be a sex symbol (even with those eyebrows). She was hot hot hawt! And then suddenly, after this shocking little gem, she became the kind of crazy smudged-lipsticked ranter you’d gladly duck into a Scientology bookstore to keep from running into on the street. Yes, she chose to beat her own children with household items, but she did it in cold cream faced, three inch maribou-heeled style. And for that, she deserves to be one of the golden screen goddesses in the scorned woman hall of fame.
-Kathy Bates in Misery: Us women love our romances. So what’s a girl to do upon learning that her favorite heroine, Misery, is about to be killed off? Since sisters stick together, Annie Wilkes, played by Kathy Bates, has no option but to make sure that heroine stays alive — by sweetly persuading Paul Sheldon, the author, to rewrite the novel. When her tactics fail, she has no choice but to hobble the bastard. Unfortunately, poor sweet Annie is herself killed, tricked by the consequence of her devotion. One thing that can be said about Annie: she really takes her number one fan status seriously.
-Amy Fisher-The Long Island Lolita: Oh, Amy Fisher, only 17 years old and already you knew the bitter taste of scorned womanhood. Scorned by 35 year old married mechanic Joey Buttafuoco, Amy Fisher took her vengeance on his wife, Mary Jo Buttafuoco, shooting her in the temple, permanently paralyzing the left side of her face. This scorned woman’s weapon of choice? A Titan .25-caliber semiautomatic pistol, and a blinding desire to have Joey ALL TO HERSELF.
-Lorena Bobbitt: Striking fear in the hearts of men to this day, Lorena’s scornful retaliation will live on in “I think I just threw up in my mouth” infamy. There’s no doubt that then-husband and now-porn star John was a Grade-A, drunken creepazoid…But Lorena, when that Psychic Friends hotline you no doubt called about it told you to “Eliminate the problems in your life,” I don’t think they were talking about his penis. Either way, you provided a poor unsuspecting farmer and the rest of the world with a mental image we’ll never forget. If only John had watched a little Lifetime…he would’ve known better. Because we know all too well: a scorned woman’s gotta do what a scorned woman’s gotta do.
Keep checking in. As long as there are sharp objects and estrogen, there will always be more scorned woman hall of famers…
Posted by J and T
- awomanscorned posted this